It had been quite a while that I shared anything through my blog but this moment is so devastating that I felt penning down my grievance might soothe me a little.
For some it gets completely hard to speculate one's life after marriage while for many thats when their glittering life begins. unfortunately I fell on Category 1 while I very much wish to be on category 2. I had a very understanding better half, a good job to feel secure about and lots of relatives and friends to share their shoulders, despite I always felt a voidness in me , esp. an inexplicable pain that I was going through internally. while it appears less evident externally , not many were able to make out what I was going through including my better-half. It was a never ending need for having a child to share my space and keep me obsessed.
May be due to being influenced by text book life that taught me one's life stage starts with being with parent and enjoying the child-hood followed by adolescence, where you feel the urge to stand on your own feet, followed by youth when you graduate, secure a job, find a life partner, plan for your future and most important of all have a children to extend your family tree, followed by middle-age where-in you dedicate your entire life for your kids until they depart from you, while you retire from every hectic schedules . While I passed every stage of my life from childhood until now, be it graduating with a top grade or securing a wonderful job or finding a great partner, all with ease which was amazing until marriage after which I could not pass on to the next stage of being a mom. I felt my life cycle is abruptly paused and also that I can't skip to next level without completing what is expected from me at this stage as everything after this phase is greatly based on the output . ie having a child. While my hopes have not faded the feeling of being denied what I deserve makes it very troubling.
4 years since marriage is what everyone calls as 'high-time' to have a child. Standing on this milestone and expecting this moment terribly for 3 years , I did have my day once at a completely unexpected moment that showed me that I am indeed pregnant with a HPT. I was completely in quagmire and could not believe what i read from the tiny instrument. Entirely enthused I rushed to my husband to convey him the good news. Ironically he did'nt believe it until the doctors confirmed him from my blood tests and hormone level reading. I would not blame him as we had fate play with us everytime on this very aspect and had our disappointments.
Anyhow, after all the hardships I am indeed pregnant. I have my tiny sweetheart growing in me!!. I felt myself to be the most luckiest person on earth. I was indeed flying on air. I have no words to describe the days I spent thinking about the forthcoming days with my tiny one!! I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of holding my tiny one in my arms. All went in too very well until one day when my sky fell apart. I did miscarry the wonderful one I had been waiting for ages. If getting devasted emotionally wasn't enough the pain that I went through is almost similar to the delivery pain. Though painful, deliverying a baby will make you feel all that you go through is worth every moment but this is not the case with miscarriage.
I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason as planned by the almighty , I hope he had a plan with this one too.. Nevertheless I am eagerly waiting again for the precious moment, with the exception this time I will go on to hold my tiny little one in my arm :-)...
For some it gets completely hard to speculate one's life after marriage while for many thats when their glittering life begins. unfortunately I fell on Category 1 while I very much wish to be on category 2. I had a very understanding better half, a good job to feel secure about and lots of relatives and friends to share their shoulders, despite I always felt a voidness in me , esp. an inexplicable pain that I was going through internally. while it appears less evident externally , not many were able to make out what I was going through including my better-half. It was a never ending need for having a child to share my space and keep me obsessed.
May be due to being influenced by text book life that taught me one's life stage starts with being with parent and enjoying the child-hood followed by adolescence, where you feel the urge to stand on your own feet, followed by youth when you graduate, secure a job, find a life partner, plan for your future and most important of all have a children to extend your family tree, followed by middle-age where-in you dedicate your entire life for your kids until they depart from you, while you retire from every hectic schedules . While I passed every stage of my life from childhood until now, be it graduating with a top grade or securing a wonderful job or finding a great partner, all with ease which was amazing until marriage after which I could not pass on to the next stage of being a mom. I felt my life cycle is abruptly paused and also that I can't skip to next level without completing what is expected from me at this stage as everything after this phase is greatly based on the output . ie having a child. While my hopes have not faded the feeling of being denied what I deserve makes it very troubling.
4 years since marriage is what everyone calls as 'high-time' to have a child. Standing on this milestone and expecting this moment terribly for 3 years , I did have my day once at a completely unexpected moment that showed me that I am indeed pregnant with a HPT. I was completely in quagmire and could not believe what i read from the tiny instrument. Entirely enthused I rushed to my husband to convey him the good news. Ironically he did'nt believe it until the doctors confirmed him from my blood tests and hormone level reading. I would not blame him as we had fate play with us everytime on this very aspect and had our disappointments.
Anyhow, after all the hardships I am indeed pregnant. I have my tiny sweetheart growing in me!!. I felt myself to be the most luckiest person on earth. I was indeed flying on air. I have no words to describe the days I spent thinking about the forthcoming days with my tiny one!! I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of holding my tiny one in my arms. All went in too very well until one day when my sky fell apart. I did miscarry the wonderful one I had been waiting for ages. If getting devasted emotionally wasn't enough the pain that I went through is almost similar to the delivery pain. Though painful, deliverying a baby will make you feel all that you go through is worth every moment but this is not the case with miscarriage.
I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason as planned by the almighty , I hope he had a plan with this one too.. Nevertheless I am eagerly waiting again for the precious moment, with the exception this time I will go on to hold my tiny little one in my arm :-)...
